Male logic How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you. Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with "A man once told me..." How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't. There is a clock on the oven. Why do men fart more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in. What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told. Why do men die before their wives? They want to. Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up in the morning? Because they don’t have balls to scratch. What does a man consider a seven course meal? A hot dog and a six-pack of beer. How does a man take a bubble bath? He eats beans for dinner. I married a girl of the Right family. I just didn't know her first name was ''Always.'' Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It's called a Wedding Cake.

Female logic Man: How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb? Woman: One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS. But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!! IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS... I’m sorry... what did you ask me? What is the thinnest book in the world? What Men Know About Women. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One . . . . . men will screw anything. What is a man’s idea of foreplay? A half hour of begging. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited? He’s breathing. What is the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature. What do men and beer bottles have in common? They are both empty from the neck up. How can you tell if a man is happy? Who cares? How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? No one knows. . . . . .It’s never been done. How are men and parking spaces alike? The good ones are already taken, and the ones left are handicapped. What is a man’s idea of helping you with housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum. What is the difference between men and E.T.? E.T. called home. Do you know why there’s a hole in a man’s penis? So he can get air to his brain. How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head. How is a man like linoleum? If you lay him right the first time, you can walk all over him for the next twenty years.